Under the Arctic Sun
by Becky Sky
Summary: After Irina's death, the Denali coven return to Alaska, Garrett in tow. Kate struggles with their intensifying relationship, harbouring guilt and secrets she will not let go of easily. But that may prove fatal... for both of them. KxG
1. Chapter One: Mourning

Under the Arctic Sun

**A/n: This is my first Twilight fic, and I just wanted to post this before I left for my Dad's, where I can't post anything. I just wanted you guys to tell me if you're interested in the concept, and want me to continue. I love Garrett and Kate from Breaking Dawn, and I want them badly to have their own novel. Please review! Spread the Karett love! :P Becky**

Chapter One: Mourning

The Arctic sun shone brightly overhead, throwing spasms of crystals bouncing across our pale skin. Dazzling. That's what we were to humans. But to us, rather, me, we were monsters. Because we had allowed Irina to die.

I was acutely aware of the pressure of Garrett's hand around my waist as we ran across the barren, snow-covered landscape, following Tanya, Carmen, and Eleazar back home to Denali, Alaska. A hitching sob constricted my throat, and I ached for tears of humanity, just so I could feel something. Just the cold. It didn't bother me, or any of us for that matter, but for once I wished it did.

So I could focus on something else for a change.

Garrett's hand tightened around my waist. A little bit too forward for my liking. I sent a warning jolt into his body, and he gasped.

"I wish you wouldn't do that," he hissed in my ear, and I fought back a triumphant smile.

"Not much of a lady killer, are you?" I asked teasingly, and then remembered his ideal choice of meal. I shifted uncomfortably, and he cleared his throat. He knew I was adverse to his life-style, and to his credit he was considering changing. For me. Ha. I felt less the lover than the Volterri of his will. His queen; his slaving commandeer. I winced, although I felt no pain. It was just an automatic reaction, brought on by my many failed attempts to be more human.

"I'm sorry," I whispered ashamedly.

"It's alright."

"No, it's not. Nothing is." Why, oh why couldn't he see that? Irina was gone, I hadn't been able to save her, or even avenge her death. Everybody got their happy ending, but what about me? What about Tanya? WE were left to mourn, to wonder where the soul of our sister was now. Garrett had never felt restricted by love, by compassion for another. He didn't understand, although, for my sake, he tried.

My heightened senses felt the crunch of snow under our rapidly moving feet, the chilly blast of wind in our faces, carrying the scents of warm-blooded prey. My throat burned in thirst. I knew my eyes to be black with desire, for food. I halted abruptly, before we neared the human villages.

I needed to eat.

"Tanya," I said softly, knowing she could hear me. "I'm going to hunt." She nodded once, and I turned left, away from the scent of humans.

Garrett suddenly sniffed the air, and froze. Clutching his arm, I dragged him along with me. "While you're with me, at least, you're vegetarian," I muttered menacingly.

"Oh really? What would you do about it if I didn't want to be a… vegetarian?" His tone wasn't so much egotistical as curious.

"I would kill you."

He chuckled. "Pretty easily, I wager."

I frowned at him. "You take me pretty lightly. Don't you remember when I kicked your butt?"

He smiled, the corners of his mouth twitching. I was suddenly very painfully distracted by the way his long blonde hair was ruffled by the wind, how strands of it fell across his forehead, into his crimson eyes. The rest tried to stay tamed in his pony tail, but the winds buffeted it around like Renesmee attacking her play things.

He noticed me staring and waggled his eyebrows. "See anything interesting, woman?" I gritted my teeth. He had the most annoying habit of calling me that.

"Just a very moronic vampire," I murmured. "One wasting his time."

Frowning, he wrapped his arms around my shoulders, trying to reel me in for an embrace. I backed away. "I'm not ready, Garrett," I snapped.

Eyes burning with reluctance, he let me go. "Sorry."

"It's alright." I had a hard time wrestling with my feelings for him as well. I could only imagine how Bella, a relative new born, could harness her desire for Edward in front of a crowd. It had taken me centuries of hard work and perseverance to be so controlled.

Garrett broke the silence that ensued between us, cheerfully gesturing around us at the sparkling landscape of snow and ice. "Lead the way, my lady."

I rolled my eyes and took off at a run, speeding across the snow, my nose to the wind. I knew Garrett was behind me, and oddly felt comforted. It was nice to not be alone.

I suddenly smelled what I was hoping for. My quarry was large, and smelled of ocean brine, freezing winters, and suckled cubs. Sunlight glistened off the polar bear's fur, dancing across the few hundred yards of snow between us. I could feel the blood pulsing through her veins, the warmth my throat yearned for. A low growl escaped my throat, and I felt no thoughts of anything but blood. Warm, sticky, sweet blood. The burning in my throat increased, and it took all I had in me not to make any more noise. Not that the bear could ever outrun me. I just didn't want Garrett to see me so… animated about killing. I don't know why.

In less than a second, I was close enough to make a small leap and land on the animal's back. With a surprised grunt, she shifted beneath me. Then a furious roar echoed throughout the vicinity. I simply hissed and bit her neck. The blood flowed between my lips, and I slurped it down, a faint memory of my human life reminding me of a naughty child with bad table manners.

The polar bear slumped as I drained her life from her, and soon I was kneeling on the snow over a flattened corpse. I sighed, even hungrier for more. But there was a limit I had set myself at, and anything more than this large animal would be indulgent.

Turning, I faced Garrett with a satisfied nod. He was standing stock still, afraid to breath less he smell the strong, saccharine smell of human blood. Cautiously, I sniffed. There was no humans about, or on the freezing winds.

"You may breathe, now, Garrett." He smiled gratefully at me.

"Thank you."

"You're quite welcome. I wouldn't want to have to throw you out so soon for a mishap with a human." Despite my sadness over Irina's passing, Garrett sparked something in me I could not admit, deny, or fathom. I wondered briefly if vampires had soul mates. A memory of Bella and Edward came to mind, and I thought maybe. And with that thought came the hope.

My gaze drifted to Garrett, to see his crimson eyes watching me, unreadable. Then his mouth twitched. Waggling his brows… again, he asked, "Pretty handsome, aren't I?" A giggle escaped my lips, and I shook my finger playfully at him.

"Better get your butt in gear, sonny boy, or else I'll have to hurt you."

"I don't think I'd mind that," he said under his breath, but of course I could hear him. "Better you than anyone else."

My laughing abruptly stopped. I didn't know what was wrong with me. Why did I treat our relationship like it was so… vulnerable? Not versatile. Like it could crumble at any second, and I didn't want to get close enough to be hurt when it did.

I didn't know the answer, because right then, I didn't know myself, whether I was a monster or more human than I'd realized. All I knew was that I was hurting, and that I blamed myself.

Because out of all of us in the Denali coven, I was the strongest. I had a gift that could have saved her, even if I had died trying. But it hadn't, and I hadn't. And I wished I had. Pretty pathetic, that was me: Kate.


	2. Chapter Two: Silence and Staring

**A/n: Thanx so much to those who reviewed! PLEASE, anybody else whose read this fic, please review. This is my first Twilight fic, and I really want the feedback. I know Stephenie Meyer is so much better at this than I'll ever be, but I'm attempting to write my own novel, and any feedback on this story will greatly help my writing style when writing the other one. And it's nice to read what you think.:P I know it's a risk to write about a minor couple, but I really wanted to deepen their characters, to see them from another point of view. To give the Denali clan a better ending than just losing Irina. Because their story deserves to be told! Okay, enough with the long, winding author's note that doesn't make much sense. Here's Chapter Two, and please review. For my petty writer's ego. :) Becky**

Chapter Two: Silence and Staring

"Kate?"

Garrett's voice shook me from my reverie, and I cleared my throat. "What?"

His voice was tinged with concern. "Are you alright?"

Unlike Bella, I could lie with my eyes shut. "Sure." His shoulders heaved in relief. Obviously he was as gullible as Edward was obnoxiously overprotective. What I wouldn't have given for an Edward. Not Edward, mind you, but a vampire like him. I suppose Garrett was a fair enough stand-in, but we didn't even agree on most things. So I was being careful.

I eyed him suspiciously as he turned to run. "You need to eat."

He glared at me, a hiss dying in his throat as soon as it began. Containing his obvious disappointment, he asked in a smoother, clearer tone, "Oh really?"

"Yes. I'm not as tolerant as Edward and Carlisle. And I can easily kill you if you don't comply."

His forehead pinched in what looked to be consternation. "You wouldn't care if I died?"

I suddenly felt the impulse to breathe VERY deeply. Shakily, I drew in a large breath, my head racing. His tone was joking, but his eyes stared gravely into mine. Oh where was Bella when I needed her? She tackled a love triangle when she was human, for goodness' sake! Couldn't I at least handle a love-sick vampire?

You'd think I could. But my patience was as thin as an elastic band, and although my own feelings shattered my brain into fragments of Kate, I struggled to hold onto what I could. My dominance.

"I'm not sure."

He didn't like that answer. Grudgingly, he returned and allowed me to lead him northwards, towards the frozen lake that sparkled in the blinding light. He could kill a seal or something.

Within minutes, we had reached the lake, and stood on the farthest shore from the human dwellings on the other side. I kept a firm grip on Garrett's arm, just in case. I could faintly smell humans, and shot a worried glance in his direction. His nostrils were flaring, and his teeth gritted in an attempt to contain himself.

He noticed me watching, and smiled angelically. "I'll control myself," he promised. I frowned, and reluctantly let him go. He noticed and grinned.

"Getting attached, are we?"

"Shut up," I snarled, and pushed him roughly towards the lake, where several seals flopped clumsily across. Their tan hides smelled of animal sweat and blood, two fragrances that called invitingly and in a seducing way for my teeth. He stumbled a few paces, and then, without warning, gasped.

Then he was running.

It took me a second to smell what he had: the suddenly fresh, sweet smell of human blood. Eagle eyes stretched across the lake into the large brown eyes of an Inuit child, nestled in the soft furs of her coat. Immediately Renesmee came into mind.

A mother like instinct came over me. A vicious snarl ripped from my throat, and all I knew was that I had to save that innocent little one, so much like Renesmee it made me sob. Then I was dashing across the ice, after Garrett, who was closing the space between them in a sickening amount of seconds.

The landscape was a blur as I ran, all my thoughts focussed on taking down the predator. Instinct had taken over, and I forgot who I was, forgot who he was. All I knew was that he was bad and bad had to be done with. Had to be destroyed. And I knew that I was good, and I was going to be the destroyer. A menacing smile contorted my features as I drew closer. I could smell him now. He had a very wind-blown, earthy scent, like a hiker. My eyes zeroed in on his tall, lean figure, flying across the snow like an evil angel.

Then, suddenly, he risked a glance back at me. Our eyes met. Then I was Kate again, blinking in disbelief as she watched her friend preparing to prey on human life.

"Garrett, stop!" I shouted. Because of my vampire reflexes, all this happened within seconds, and my steps didn't falter. For some reason, he seemed to be slowing, almost as if he fought whatever was conquering his body. Like a demon-possessed human. I had heard of them. They were almost as dangerous as we vampires were.

His leather jacket was flapping in the wind, and it buffeted my face heedlessly as I narrowed the distance between us. Then my arms were wrapping around his waist in a tackle, and we went sailing to the ground. He shifted in my arms, and I ended up facing him on the ground, his crimson eyes reflecting the disbelief and relief in mine.

"You caught me," he said, and I could hear the joy in his voice.

"Of course I did," I growled. "Couldn't let you do something stupid, could I?"

He closed his eyes, his hand going to his temple in distress. "I can't believe I lost it." Ha, I could. He was a 'carnivore' after all.

Then I coughed uncomfortably, aware of how close we were in proximity. He didn't notice. His breath was heady on my face, warm and impossibly sweet, like blood. My favourite scent. The overwhelming urge to kiss him rose up, and I pushed myself off him in disgust, with a little more pressure on his chest than necessary. The hope was to hurt him, but he merely looked up in surprise.

"Are you alright Kate?" he asked.

I nodded. "Come, we'd better get you fed before… anything else happens." I attempted a smile, but it came out feeble and wavering. I realized in a flabbergasting moment of self-discovery that I'd been afraid. Afraid to hurt him… to kill him… because…

I blocked the thought before it could expand to anything else. There was no way I was going to admit to anything other than physical attraction. I wasn't stupid enough to claim that it wasn't there. But I was always smart enough to be careful of anything else. Something like what Edward and Bella had. The type of thing that was so self-sacrificing that it bonded them through eternity. I didn't deserve or want anything like that yet. Not when it promised too much heartache. Not that I had any heart to hurt.

There was a minute scrunching sound, and then Garrett was on his feet, his hands on my shoulders so that I was looking him in the eyes. His were serious, mine wide with fright. Still.

"You're not alright," he said huskily. "Don't bother lying, Kate."

My throat hitched and constricted. What a weakling I was turning into over him. Then another annoying, inconceivable thought occurred to me: was I really scared of losing him, or a part of myself with him? I frowned. He didn't have any claim to me, so why did I feel so bonded with him, like we were meant to be…?

We hadn't fought and survived any insane battles against the Volterri, or even an army of newborns. Edward and Bella had the last and a difficult human love life to their name. Garrett and I had… a stand-off without any fighting, and my miserable attempts at being pathetically self-pitiful. Gee, looking at those two options, I'd say Edward and Bella's relationship had a lot more solid ground.

I could happily kill Garrett within a minute if he threatened the coven Tanya, Eleazar, Carmen and I had fought so hard to establish and protect after our mother's death. If it came to choosing my family over him, I could do it in a second without any second thoughts. Right?

So why did I feel so wrong even thinking about it?

I shot a glance at Garrett, who was still staring at me intently, waiting for me to say something. I stifled a laugh; if he knew any of my thoughts, I would be embarrassed to ever say his name. If he knew my confusion, hurt, and anger, he'd be laughing his way to someplace else, I was sure. And I didn't want that. Some sick, morbid part of me wanted to hold onto him for a little while longer, to watch and study him, to try and understand what made him so different, too different to love.

I'd seen Laurent, and I'd hated him. I'd put up with him for Irina, because I loved her. She was my sister. Laurent was too casual about killing for my liking; I'd watched as he'd hunted down humans with a disgusting smile on his face. And it was then that I swore I'd never allow it again. When Laurent left, I was relieved I wouldn't have to torture myself with guilt, hearing the screams of his victims in my head. I smiled. Irina was devastated, and for her sake, I pretended to be sympathetic.

I'd grinned even wider when I heard about his death. When Irina heard, she was angry, pained, and sputtering vengeance. For once, I didn't want to be involved in the aftermath. Edward's human trysts had made us suffer consequences I did not want to relive. So I let Irina go, much to my utter stupidity. Maybe, if I'd been firmer, she would never have seen Renesmee, never have…

I squeezed my eyes shut, but that didn't stop the memories from flashing before my eyelids. I was suddenly grateful vampires didn't dream. I could hear her metallic screech as they tore her limb from limb. Even worse, I could see her golden eyes wide with pain and fright, acknowledging her end. Then I saw Caius' tight, triumphant smile, and I snarled involuntarily.

Then my eyes opened, and Garrett was looking frantic, his gaze searing into my face. His hand reached to stroke my cheek, and I tried not to flinch away. I didn't want the sympathy: I just wanted to hate myself, to hate something to distract from the pain.

Almost as if he could read my mind, though I'm sure he could read my expression, Garrett whispered, "It's okay to cry."

What a joke. Vampires couldn't shed human tears, couldn't hurt themselves the way stupid humans did when angry or frustrated with themselves and the world. WE were the creatures of stone and ice, damned eternally to live and hurt and cry without tears. A sudden, Edward-like thought cropped up.

"The Volterri," I breathed. Garrett's hands tightened, his lips stiffened. Then the thought was gone, too idiotic and silly for me to admit. Alice and Carlisle had all too willingly filled me in on Edward's death-sentence trip to Italy.

"What do you want with the Volterri, Kate?" he growled angrily. I remembered his brave and bitter speech to the royal family just a few weeks before.

"Do you think they'd kill me if I asked them to?" I asked stupidly before I could stop myself. His face paled under his already snowy pallor, and he blinked uncomprehendingly.

The slap came out of nowhere. One fraction of a second, we were standing in the middle of a frozen lake in Alaska, the tension sizzling the chilly air, and then I'm the only one standing still. It was forceful, and the touch of his hand to my cheek made my steady breathing, automatic from acting human, stutter. It didn't hurt, though.

I stared at him. He had retreated a few paces and was staring at me, anger burning his eyes, making them an even more alarming shade of crimson. That helped me remember his obvious thirst, and I tried to calm him down, so he wouldn't go ballistic and out of control.

"What do you want the Volterri for?" he roared, not expecting me to answer his question. "So you can DIE? WHY? So you can forget I ever existed? That you have Tanya, Carmen, Eleazar? WHY? Because IRINA is dead?"

Anger sparked in my still, cold veins. How dare he drag her into this! "Don't even drag her into this mess!" I bellowed. "It has nothing to do with her!"

His eyebrows narrowed. "Oh really? Then WHAT?"

"I… I…" The tension ebbed, and suddenly I had no idea what to think. "I… don't know."

"What do you know?" His voice was quieter, more soothing.

I frowned, like Renesmee trying to remember her letters. Like a child. "I know I'm angry."

"At who?"

I glared at him, ay his divertingly handsome face, creased in concern. My Edward of vampires named Garrett. It seemed Bella's husband wasn't the only guy capable of pulling off the charming concern thing. Kudos to Garrett.

My forehead pinched, trying to sort through my emotions. Who would have thought that I would end up looking at myself critically, trying to see inside my jumbled mind? I would have thought I could answer immediately. But it took me a full minute to collect myself, and give what I believed to be a half-good answer.

"All I know is that I'm angry at myself." There, I wanted to add, You've got it out of me. Happy?

He grimaced, as though he had expected this answer and dreaded hearing it. "Why?" he demanded.

But I'd had enough. "No more," I said firmly, grabbing his arm. "You're going to hunt." The moment I had had to re-establish myself had been enough to see that this was all petty and absolutely embarrassing. I shouldn't have to spill my guts. And he shouldn't have to act the psychiatrist.

He glowered at me. "I'm NOT letting this go."

I shrugged. "Fine, but I'm not going to answer any more questions."

We glared at each other. I was the first one to relax. "Come," I said insistently, tugging on his black leather jacket. "I want to show you our home." I was trying desperately to not think about anything that could hurt me.

Garrett perked up, eyes brightening. Giving me a cheeky smile, he asked, "How many bedrooms are there? Will I have to sleep on a couch?"

I would have flushed if I were human. "No. We have a guest bedroom, of course. You are welcome to stay there."

He cocked a brow. "I'm only a guest?"

I bared my teeth at him. "What else do you want?" I snapped, frustrated.

He smiled. "To stay with you forever and ever, and follow you to the ends of the earth."

Ha.

"That's what you say now," I snapped. "But wait until you get bored with this vegetarian lifestyle, with these 'soft' vampires. You'll leave just like Laurent-"

"Who's Laurent?" he asked fiercely.

I started, staring at him sharply. "Huh?"

His gaze was passionate and resentful. "Was he a friend of yours?" he asked bluntly. Oh. Oh my. He thought…

A laugh, bitter and edgy, rose in my belly, tickling my throat with its icy fingers. Then I let it out, my whole body shaking with the effort. It burned my oesophagus and left me giggly.

"You… thought…" I sputtered uncontrollably, while he watched me with a clearly frustrated expression. I'd forgotten he never knew about that selfish, bloody Laurent…

After a few moments of hapless laughter, I composed myself.

"Who was Laurent?" he repeated.

"No friend of mine," I assured him stiffly. "He was the blood-thirsty, monstrous lout Irina was in love with."

A foreign expression etched Garrett's handsome features, and he stared at me wordlessly. I stopped talking. Had I crossed some invisible line? Continuing to stare at me, he finally whispered, almost to himself, "Monster."

Then, while I watched bewilderedly, he turned and leapt at a nearby seal, crushing it in one blow. It squeaked, and then crumpled in a heap of flesh and bones. Scowling, he drained its blood and turned to me, an angry look on his face. "Monster," he said lowly again, thick, oozing blood dripping from his chin. He made no effort to wipe it away. My eyes were transfixed on him. He stared back. A blast of wind flashed his hair across his face, and some of it trailed on his chin, dipped in the blood. I watched as a strand danced away, blond tipped in crimson.

I wanted so much to look away, yet I also didn't. For the first time ever, Garrett looked fragile to me, vulnerable, out of his element. He really hated eating those animals, hated the taste of their blood. Yet he still did it. He was trying. For me, I knew, but his actions hinted at ulterior motives. His gaze was almost yearning, frantic for something I couldn't give him.

He dropped it after five long, undulating minutes of silence and staring. Swiping his jacket sleeve across his face, he removed any traces of the blood. Then he grimaced. "That stuff really doesn't taste good."

I grinned, our hypnotic transfixion broken. "You get used to it."

Garrett seemed to have lost his resolve to question me in the last five minutes, I noticed with relief. He made no objection when I lead him back southwards to Denali, where the others were waiting at home.

I was in a hurry to get there, and he seemed to be as well. We flew across the snow, my warning hand on his arm to constrain him if anything should entice his wild side. Dark, ominous clouds gathered overhead, threatening snow that night. My keen eyesight could make out the bright lights of Denali a few miles southeast from us, waiting to welcome me home.

The snow crunched under our shoes, and my light blonde hair smacked Garrett in the face as the wind played with it. He simply brushed it away tolerantly. When it poked him in the eye for the fourth time in ten seconds, I said apologetically, "I'm thinking of cutting it off."

Then he glared at me! "Don't."

Huh, as if I was going to let him boss me around without an explanation. "And why not?" I demanded.

"I like it this way."

"Nice explanation," I said sarcastically. "I like you better as a vegetarian, but that doesn't mean it's going to ever really happen."

His face fell, as though I'd slapped him. Oh, me and my insensitive mouth! Just because I was hurting…

"Garrett, I…"

"No, you're right."

"Wha…?"

His hand came and took mine, and I was too speechless to object. "Kate, I promise that I will become a vegetarian by the time you and Tanya and Eleazar and Carmen go to visit Renesmee in a month." His eyes were solemn.

"Oh really?" I asked nonchalantly, but my brain was buzzing.

"If."

Oh, there was an 'if'. "What's the 'If'?" I asked suspiciously, expecting something absurd like marriage. Only Edward would be smart enough to use that as a bribe.

"If you don't cut your hair."

He HAD to be kidding. That was it? No "If you promise to love me forever and ever, till death do us part?"

"Deal." He grinned.

I was really starting to like this guy a lot more than I should, and a lot more than I was willing to admit. I mean, I knew he liked me (I wasn't buying his love claim yet), but for me to even think I was attracted to him more than just physically was a little mind-boggling. Unlike Tanya and Irina, I'd never had anybody I cared about more than family. Garrett was a new experience for me.

One I wasn't quite sure I wouldn't regret.


	3. Chapter Three: Stars

**A/n: Oh my goodness, it has been sooo long since I have even touched this story. Sorry to all those who've waited patiently, and I hope you enjoy this chapter! :)**

Chapter Three: Stars

We reached home just as darkness stretched across the land, the pearly moon serenaded by millions of stars. There was little unnatural light here, giving us a beautiful view of the heavens.

The heavens we could never reach. It wasn't something I enjoyed pondering, the ethical question of vampires' destinies after being destroyed. It was somewhat ironic- we couldn't die, because, technically, we were already dead, but we could be destroyed- burned just as the hell flames would be sure to torture our souls. Wouldn't it have been better then, to accept our deaths as humans and possibly achieve paradise?

Damn Edward and Carlisle and their deep, moral battles. My head ached just thinking about it, and it only made my fear for Irina's soul worse. Was she happy wherever she was, or did she just not exist anymore?

Sometime after our arrival, I sat on the snow, its texture soft against my skin. I knew from human experiences that my skin would forever be colder than snow, that human hands that caressed my face would only feel ice.

"There's no warmth," I whispered, feeling it fitting that I should live in the freezing land of the north.

I glanced inside, but knew Carmen and Eleazar stirred about, Carmen reading, Eleazar in his study. Tanya had disappeared a while ago, off to meet some human lover I did not know. If she had not been in mourning, I would have disapproved; but now even I longed for something to distract me. I was tired of feeling self-pity and guilt.

For a moment, I even considered…

No. I could not back down, could not give in to my desires because my heart felt broken. I could not drag Garrett through false hope.

He deserved more than that. I deserve more than that. I think.

"Kate?"

I was so lost in thought that I hadn't even noticed him approach. Garrett settled beside me, crossing his legs and staring up at the never-ending sky.

"Hello," I said softly.

"Will you answer a question for me?" His voice was thoughtful.

"Sure."

"Why did you decide to be a vegetarian?"

Oh goodness. I should have expected this; all the same, the answer made me squirm uncomfortably. He peered at me out of the corner of his eyes, noticing my embarrassment.

"Well?" he pressed.

This man just didn't give up. I considered lying, but he turned suddenly, gaze so intense that I nearly melted at his feet right there, about to offer my company for the night. Then, thank heavens, my common sense kicked in, and, just before I could throw myself at him in a fit of passion, I coughed needlessly and said, "Do you really want to know?"

"Would I ask if I didn't?"

"Of course not." I sighed inwardly, feeling so stupid and silly, not the seductive vampire that ensnared the hearts of mortals. That didn't appeal to me anymore; I didn't really understand why it ever had. "WE- Tanya, me and the others- decided to become vegetarians because… well, our trysts with mortals." If I had blood left in me, I would have blushed.

Garrett stared at me, something between distaste and amusement reflected in his gaze. "So you decided that your lovers didn't satisfy all your cravings?"

I glared at him, not appreciating his bloody humour. How could he talk so senselessly about human lives- our lives?

He observed my face, eyes so piercing, as though he wanted to absorb me into his skin. The thought made my skin crawl pleasantly, but I shook the feelings away.

"I'm sorry," he said quietly. He paused, and I thought he was finished. Leaping to my feet, about to leave, I started when his hand brushed my arm, beckoning me to stay. My knees sank under me, and I levered myself back to the ground, ears strained to listen.

He continued, voice husky but calm, "I'm sorry we're not humans, Kate. I'm sorry I can't feel your empathy towards them, sorry I can't stop making stupid human blood jokes." He avoided my gaze, staring down at the snow between his feet. A strand of hair floated in front of his eyes, and the irritating urge to sweep it away itched in my fingers. I clamped them together, biting my lip.

Then he glanced up, and the look on his face would have been enough to freeze my heart had it been beating. It was full of raw pain and suffering, such sorrow and guilt that I wondered what his story was- how could I feel so involved with a man I barely knew? How could his words and being have captured my attention? I felt confused and utterly annoyed; I liked knowing what was happening to me. Usually I was overcome by desire, but this trumped anything I'd ever craved from human company. This went beyond the natural enflaming of my body whenever I felt his skin next to mine.

It was as though his pain invoked the same feelings in me, the yearning to embrace his emotions and introduce him to mine.

It scared me.

"What's wrong?" I whispered. His vulnerability unnerved me, made me wonder if he expected such openness in return.

"I…" His voice choked back dry, heaving sobs, and my brain scrambled frantically to process what was happening. Garrett, my strong, influential Garrett, was breaking into pieces in front of me, like a shattered mirror that might never be glued back together. I watched with a sort of horrid fascination.

"I fought for the Patriots in the Revolutionary War, fought with all the fervour and zest of any young man in his first battle. I fought alongside my friends and family, but then… I met Emilee. She was a British nurse with the most beautiful ivory skin, the reddest lips, the darkest hair, like ebony horsehairs…" His voice trailed off, wistful. "I was intoxicated. I dreamed her, inhaled her. She didn't see the wrong of it, a British nurse and Patriot soldier. In the end, neither did I. I skipped duty to visit her, and then I risked the lives of my entire company to save her life. Except she didn't need saving. The whole group- my friends, my family, were killed in a blast of canons. I was swept off my feet, collapsing bloody and bruised before her. She was a wicked creature, tormenting me until I pleaded for death."

"She was one of us?" I whispered, shocked.

He nodded. "She fed off the blood of dying soldiers," he said dully. "Gave them euphoria in the time of their death." He spoke bitterly. "But she didn't want to let me go. She'd sink her teeth into my skin, then stop, kiss me, and let me bleed a little, just enough venom in my body to make it painful yet desirable. I was no masochist, and it slowly killed me. I begged, pleaded, to be let alone, to join my brothers and father wherever they should be. But she was like a cat with her toy, using me and then abusing me, never letting me go. Finally, I was at death's door, could see the white light, and she panicked. She bit so deep and so hard into me that the venom spread through me like a flood. She couldn't kill me then; I went crazy with the pain, flailing and shrieking like a banshee. People came to investigate; she hid us in a nearby cave, pinning me down as I suffered. She must have thought I'd stay with her forever, to allow her to use me and torment me with words once I stopped burning.

Ha. She was an idiot. When I opened my eyes, everything was so clear: I hated her. It overcame everything, mingling with the burning thirst in my throat. I tore her apart, and set her aflame. Never have I regretted it, but this is what I do regret: the total and utter hate of women I experienced because of her treatment."

"What do you mean?" I asked, but the vile notion was already in my head. "You preyed on women?" I whispered, dumbstruck.

He hung his head. "Yes," he said, voice thick with shame. "Women, and the men who tried to protect them." He looked at me pleadingly. "That was long ago! Hundreds of years have passed- I've learned to control my anger, my resentment. But it's difficult to stop something you're born with."

I remembered back to when I had been a newborn. The most difficult part for me had been gaining control of my power. "How can you remember?"

"How could I forget?" he asked, laughing; but there was no trace of humour in his voice. "I tortured myself with those memories in order to control my thirst and hateful feelings. It was with those thoughts that I nursed it from my nature- the thought of terrifying innocents the way I'd been terrified and hurt."

"But you still kill them," I blurted out accusingly before I could stop myself.

He stared at me mournfully. "I try," he said lowly. "I try to stop, but I've just begun this part of my transformation. Rome wasn't built in a day," he added meaningfully. "And besides, I've never had anybody to fuel my hopes, to make me want to be truly better; it was all just guilty conscience and being tired of being angry all the time. Until I met you." From anybody else, the words would have been stock- as dry and corny as, well, corn.

But from him, they had such depth and feeling to them- such emotion glittered in his monstrous gaze.

"Really?" If I had been human, my voice would have squeaked like that of an excited, lovesick schoolgirl.

"Yes."

Well, there wasn't a lot I could say to that, and I wasn't sure if I wanted to say anything. After all, what could I say? That I maybe, maybe didn't like him the way he liked me- with the passion, sincerity, and, perhaps, the hope of eternal promise?

Oh my goodness. What was wrong with me? Couldn't we even enjoy a talk without me bringing it back to the L word?

Garrett watched me wrestle with myself, still sad, still forlorn. I thought of what to say, what not to say, what I wanted to say, and what I didn't want to say. In the end, I was so flustered that I simply decided to say, "I'm sorry."

Something flickered in his gaze, like flames that kindled in a fire, only to die a few moments later. "You're sorry," he murmured. "Of course."

"Oh," I said quickly, realizing my error. "I'm not sorry about your feelings or anything, just about what happened to you."

"But you don't feel the same way, do you?" Ugh, why did he have to be so blunt, so open and honest with everything, while I hid behind my fears and guilt, never budging, always refusing to allow his forgiveness to embrace me and buoy my spirits? Why couldn't I give him what he gave me? Why did I not want to?

I knew all the answers. They were locked up in a box, stashed away in my frozen heart, the secrets of my past that I did not want to revisit; the reason why I still felt so human although I was long past death.

Instead of answering him, I curled up into a ball, shutting him out and trapping me in. There was a pause, as Garrett surely tried to decide what to do. Then snow crunched as he leapt to his feet. There was the softest pressure on the top of my head; his fingers trailed down my hair.

"I'm sorry," he said quietly, then he was gone.

I sobbed drily, glancing up every now and then at the mocking stars. There's nothing worse than being torn and ripped about inside and having no escape from the pain, no relief by a flood of tears.

That's one thing I envy humans, one thing that makes eternity weigh with a heavy price. The other thing was that they could be released from heartache- they died, then they went to heaven or hell or someplace like that. But I would live forever, haunted by my sins and grievances, no release, no relief.

But maybe there was hope…?

To my astonishment, I found myself turning towards the house, where Garrett waited for an answer.


End file.
